Depression: How did I get here?

So, how do we get depressed?

Here are a couple of things I believe that are important to remember in this discussion:

First:

-Everything is Spiritual

Second:

-God is ultimately in control of universe management (although I don’t believe that God always micromanages things)

The first point helps me to remember that there are spiritual causes for our depression and of course, spiritual answers.

The second point helps me to remember that I cannot control myself or my environment beyond that which God allows me to. And at times, I question whether I do a good job controlling the things that God gives me control over.

I know that some would say that when I am depressed that I am under spiritual attack. I don’t dispute this. However, keeping in mind that God is in control, I must entertain the possibility that God could be allowing me to be attacked for some ultimate purpose.

Now, I realize that is not something you hear a Christian say everyday.

To clarify, I believe that God could actually be allowing my enemies to run roughshod over me for a time in order to generate a spiritual response from me that will eventually free me from depression and allow me to gain spiritual knowledge that will make me stronger, wiser and more resilient in the future.

Most depressed Christians, or even those who aren’t looking at their condition from a spiritual standpoint, eventually ask the question “why am I here?” I don’t believe that question should be rhetorical. I believe we must open our hearts, fall to our knees and ask God this same question, expecting an answer. Because God knows why you here. He may even have allowed it to happen because He wants you to know something about Him. Or you.

So, back to my own question “Why am I here?”

At this time I am considering that there is a strong possibility I am here because I have some focus issues and some habit issues. Focus issues as in To Much Focus On Dan. And habit issues as Need To Get Rid Of “Some” and Adopt “Others.”

Pardon me if this sounds a little arrogant, but I believe God is giving me an opportunity to get a deeper glimpse into His nature. I’m not sure what this means as far as the Christian world immediately around me, but I’m pretty sure I’m figuring out what this glimpse means to me personally. I certainly feel like I’m tossing out some Spiritual concepts and replacing them with more accurate ones. Allow me some mistakes -I’m still processing this whole episode as I continue to crawl out of this swamp. It is my heart’s desire that whatever pain I was in, that it can someday be useful for God and for God’s people.

Soon, I’d like to add one more installment to this blog discussion and in it I would like to talk about what people have done to help me when I was depressed and what people have done or said that wasn’t, well, exactly…….…helpful.

It should be pointed out that I am not an expert on depression. If you are really in a deep, dark place, you may need counseling or medical intervention. Keep your pastor’s and your doctor’s phone number nearby. God bless.

Depression

I got really depressed last week.

I know that depression is one of those taboo subjects in some Christian circles, because we’re not supposed to have those issues if we do all the right “Christian things”.

Bull.

We’re broken, we’re human and we aren’t perfect. We need God and we mess up things. I would think you’d need to be pretty insulated to avoid any kind of depression.

I’m not naïve. And I’m not without experience in this world. I’ve been inside my head and heart many times and I’m pretty good at figuring out what is wrong with me when something isn’t working the way it should. But this bout with the “dark night of the soul” threw me for a loop. I was back to looking up to the sky and asking “what in the world?”

It’s been over a week of being in the dumps, but today the darkness began to lift a bit. I’m starting to understand what has to happen in order to tolerate these bouts with melancholy. And of course, it’s good news and bad news.

Many people, including myself like to pray that God “transforms” them. We like to sing about God being “all we need” and “everything to me”. There’s a popular new worship song that sings about God being “All to us”. It’s a great song and I love to sing it. But I’m beginning to realize that all this talk is not much more than talk for a lot of us. We pray that God can have “all that we have” or “all of us”, but sometimes it seems like we really have no idea of what that actually looks like. And most of us don’t really want to know.

I think that God is trying to show me. I mean, this is not “My burden is light”, time. This is “take up your cross and follow Me” time. Despite the former, if you want the latter, it simply won’t be easy.

Luke 12:48…..”From everyone who has been given much, much will be required, and from the one who has been entrusted with much, even more will be asked.”

I have asked for more. To go farther and deeper with Him. And at times it seems as if Jesus’ response is “Truly? You really want more? Really? You ask much, and therefore, much will be asked of you. In truth, you don’t know what you are asking. But I will try to show what life in my shadow is like.”

To be continued….

How I Kick Back

Today I suffered a great disappointment. A true personal Hindenburg moment. Potential glory and success one moment, followed by air deflating, crashing down to earth in blazing agony the next.

My reaction was natural. I beat myself up, called myself names, made grave prophecies about my future, and did a rather thorough job of crushing my own soul. You know, like the way a person throws a cigarette butt on the ground and just mashes it flat.

But it didn't take long before that "still small voice" began to rise in my gut and bring forth a rushing flow of clear water to extinguish the flames and purge my mind and heart of all negative thoughts and self incriminating accusations.

I am not defeated. In fact, the enemy has been defeated by my Lord's sacrifice on the cross. I walk this earth to remind my enemy of this.

I am not humiliated. In fact, I am humbled at the thought of all the love poured out for me at that same cross. I stand in the shadow of a man who allowed himself to be humiliated and humbled for the glory of God. My dignity comes from great sacrifice and I stand tall and lift my hands to Him who has risen from the grave and lives still.

I am not a failure. In fact, I allow only God to tell me who and what I am. Not one else qualifies.

I am not a loser. The battle has been fought and I stand with the one who holds true victory.

I am not weak or impotent. In fact, the Spirit of Christ lives in me and gives me power that is incomprehensible to most people. I am able to send thousands to flight and repel an enemy who is far wiser and more experienced in battle than I am.

All life is filled with ups and downs. When you are down, look up. When you are up, enjoy the view. Don't let the enemy accuse you. You are on this earth to defeat, not to be defeated.

"So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all.

I'll stand, my soul Lord, to you surrendered. All I am is yours."

Until everyone is home.

The 4^th of July is upon us. This is the day we celebrate our independence from Britain, a noble notion to be sure. But I struggle during this holiday. On one hand I am grateful for the life that I have been blessed with the freedom to co-create with the Divine creator. On the other hand, I can’t help but feel guilty for bringing war to so many places. I am only concerned with one thing: That the desire of God as articulated in the life and words of His Son Jesus be manifested through our lives. And I honestly don’t see that happening in the places where we are killing people. After Bin Laden was killed, I wrote my reaction in a post of Facebook. I had totally forgotten about it until a friend of mine found it and reprinted it on her own wall. I would like to post it on my blog now. Many people may not agree with my views. I ask them to prayerfully submit them to the message of Christ to see if they stand muster against the words of Jesus.

Our soldiers have been following orders and doing what they are called to do for 10 years now. They should be so honored. But Mike is right. I don't want our enemies to see us celebrating, any more than I wanted to see them celebrating after 9/11. I don't want to act like or look as they did in any way. I'm sorry, everyone. I'm very bitter about this whole 10 year, multi-trillion dollar (and counting) war that has cost us so many lives, way past the initial 3000 who died on Sept 11th. For all the men and women who joined the war effort for the honor of serving our country, you should be honored, no doubt about it. For all the people in the health care profession that will be dealing with the thousands of men and women who came back with PTSD, or missing limbs, or other parts of their once healthy bodies, I honor you and I gladly give my tax dollars for your restoration. For our children and our children's children who will bear the brunt of paying for this war, I honor you, as well, and you have my deepest apologies. For all the simple people in the nations we have waged war in, who have lost their innocent lives, I honor you and weep with you. God bless all of you! I pray for you and will continue to do so. I will continue to thank service men and women for their service when I see them in the airport or other places. Having said all that, I will say this: I hate this war and have hated it for 10 years. I hated the first mention of "shock and awe". I hate the sound of F-16's screaming overhead at my job. I'm struck by the fact that in my lifetime there has only been one president who has served a term that had no US war conflict. And he only served 4 years. This country likes to wage war, you can't convince me otherwise. And it's not just defensively. We've done our share of bullying. Why we tolerate our country bullying the world when we don't tolerate bullying in our schools is beyond me. It started the minute we stepped foot on this continent and hasn't stopped. When I was younger I was convinced that the US was exceptional and special. That the rules of the world didn't apply to us, only to "them". I was also sold the notion that God somehow favored the US for some reason unknown to me. Both of these are wrong, wrong, wrong. I'm not against national pride, I've been in my share of July 4th celebrations. But arrogance and blind ambition and power grabs do not bring God's blessings. I try to walk in the dust of a Rabbi named Jesus who taught that we are to love our enemies. No exceptions. My country does not do that or believe in doing that. I wish it would. I wish it would value peace over war. God, I want peace so bad! When Christ came, He caused a new Kingdom to exist. Heaven came crashing to earth and He spent 3 years showing us how to make that Kingdom blossom throughout the earth. He forgave, He restored, He healed. And He told us to do likewise. Can my country please help us in doing these things? Please? Can we be the gentle giant that steps lightly on the earth? Can we really, REALLY give the Prince of Peace more than a passing nod? Can we treat ALL nations as if they were "Under God", not just "One Nation"? Whew! I'm done. Now fillet me.

I know this has been a long read. But I would like to conclude by printing the lyrics of a song written by Paul and Ralph Colwell:

Till Everyone is Home

The beauty of life shines around you like the
Sun breaking through the storm that has been.
And sometimes you can't see the rainbow if you
Feel like a stranger on the outside looking in.

Till everyone is home. Till everyone is home.
Until the last soul is fed and there's a
Roof above his head.

As long as there’s someone left out in the cold.

As long as there’s someone without a place to call their own.

How can there be peace and how can we be free to lay down
The load. We’re still on that road.

Till everyone, till everyone is home.

I can see some flowers in a window of
A tiny one room shack crowded on a hill.

But know nothing can hold down the power
Of the hope that keeps growing
And you know it always will.

Till everyone is home. Till everyone is home.
Until the last soul is fed and there's a
Roof above his head.

As long as there’s someone left out in the cold.

As long as there’s someone without a place to call their own.

How can there be peace and how can we be free to lay down
The load. We’re still on that road.

Till everyone, till everyone is home.

How can there be peace and how can we be free to lay down
The load. We’re still on that road.

Till everyone, till everyone is home.

Are We Properly Preparing For Worship?

Are you on the worship team at your church? What do you do to prepare before you take the stage on behalf of God?

My kids used to be on a summer swim team at the community pool. Right before each event the team would get a pep talk and chant (shout) the team cheer.

When I was in Up With People we would gather in the “green room” before every show and get/give a pep talk followed by our own cast cheer.

I was in a local community theatre show and again, we would meet in front of the stage and go through a ritual designed to unify us before every performance.

When I was on my first worship team, we would all gather with the priest and pray in a circle just before we went out.

These are all examples of rituals designed to unify us in our performance. Prior to these last minute preparations, there are countless hours of technical and mental preparations. Not to mention individual and team skill building exercises.

But what about spiritual preparations?

I’m on the worship team here at my church in Tucson and we have a few rituals that we go through, mostly formed around prayer. Personally, for the last 2 or 3 years, my ideas of spiritual preparation for worship have evolved. I’ve had the opportunity to hear and experience from other people their ideas of preparation and I’ve felt God guide me to some of my (His?) ideas of how I should do my own preparation. This includes the rituals my church leads me in, plus my own ideas and rituals.

I’m curious about how other people view this idea of spiritual preparation. It’s clear by observing others on the worship team, that not everyone approaches worship with the same level of intensity or purpose. Some view musical rehearsal as sufficient, while others have lengthy rituals and habits that begin sometimes weeks before the weekend in question.

I tried to do some research on this topic and found very little information about spiritual preparation for worship online. I decided to put this out there for the purpose of learning about how others feel and to maybe inspire some people to dig deeper wells in advance of leading the church in worship. To get the ball rolling, I’ll share how I prepare for a weekend where I am playing or leading-

Two weeks out:

When I am leading worship, either with a large congregation or a small group, I like to pray before I begin to create a set. This helps me to avoid choosing songs for the wrong reason. It feels better to know that the Spirit is helping me pick music. I don’t always hear so well, but I’m getting better at that.

Two weeks during:

When I am just playing, I begin the prayer process upon receiving the set for my weekend. Along with the rehearsing process, I continue to pray for our weekend and for our leaders and fellow musicians and technicians for the weeks leading up to our weekend.

Rehearsal:

At this point, the day of rehearsal and for the days until we are all done, I begin a fast in order to keep my heart focused on what I truly feel is a huge responsibility laying ahead. I purposefully pray before we all come together for rehearsal. This is on my own time, before we meet. There is often prayer at rehearsal and at completion. Now we’re getting into the thick of things.

The Weekend:

Saturday afternoon we meet at church for the final rehearsing before the evening service. The band prays as a group before the rehearsal. When rehearsal is over we join with all the people involved with the production and pray in a circle for the weekend. Now it is one hour before our first set – a crucial time.

During this hour, I try to stay focused. The struggle is to avoid conversations that take my mind and heart off of the task ahead. Approximately ½ hour before we go out I find a place to be alone. No standing up for this prayer. On my knees I go, confessing before God and pouring my own wants out, emptying myself of “self”. My desire is to be completely God-focused from here on out. Without fail, I begin to feel the Holy Spirit lift me out of my flesh state and start to clothe me in purity and to arm me against the enemy. Male or female, we are all warriors at this point, bathed in power from on high and focused on doing all for God’s glory. At this point, I feel pretty unstoppable and highly energized.

For the next 10 minutes or so before we go out there, it is crucial that I don’t engage in any idle or potentially diverting conversation. Since not everyone on my team is one the same page, this can be difficult. Often, I find myself having to tactfully extract myself from any place where I might find other team members who are not on the same page.

Final prayer:

5 or so minutes before we go on there is one more band prayer. If I am involved in this prayer, I’m going to be intense about it. I’m only in one mood and that is to glorify God and kick some devil butt. Nothing can stop me at this point.

So what does all this accomplish? I’m glad you asked. If you are on a worship team, this is what you might be missing-

- An anointing that is powerful enough to cover a wide area and many people.

- A confidence that will override missed chords/notes and will cause “hiccups” in the worship set to sail pass the congregation.

- A power to undergird the set causing it to penetrate people’s hearts and cause healing and conviction and discomfort to the comfortable.

- Energy. Energy and freedom to worship God as David did. Energy to overcome timidity and self consciousness. Energy to throw yourself into worship and not be distracted by anything.

- A heightened ability to perceive and hear the Holy Spirit, the One who REALLY should be guiding our worship.

There are many conversations going about how we can improve our worship experience and help our teams and congregation to grow. Websites, magazines, conferences and books abound to help us become better worshippers.

From what I’ve seen, these things are not really doing much good in the long run. I would like to see the conversation begin that will help us to grow individually toward God and to really bring the Holy Spirit into the process. I’ve seen many good worship sets with great song selections and great playing and clean flow and nice lights and sound……and no anointing whatsoever. Imagine that. All that expertise and head knowledge, and the Holy Spirit just seems to have been left out of the process. It shows. I know how it feels.

There is another conversation that needs to begin and that is the one that brings the question: What is a congregation’s responsibility before they come to worship?

But for now, I'm focused on the worship team’s spiritual responsibility.

Honor and power and glory be Yours now and forever!

d